Too Beautiful For Earth

(Image courtesy of the amazing team from Heartfelt)

It has been more than 10 months since I abandon my blog and focusing on other important things in life. So many things happened for the past months. I got pregnant, hubby injured his knee and had a surgery and the most heartbreaking of all is we just lost our baby.

It takes lots of courage for me to write about our beautiful baby angel, Gabrielle. I hope I answer some of your questions on why I've been missing and I would be appreciated if I have no more further questions regarding Gabrielle's passing.. Please bear with me as we are still very much coping and grieving. So here's our story about our beautiful baby girl ..

Our life changed completely 6 weeks ago. I always hear from people, having a baby will change our life to a better and will bring lots of joy to our family but we never expect this will change our life dramatically.  Despite of hubby's knee injury, I had healthy 9 months pregnancy all along. Swelling, carpal tunnel syndrome and morning sickness were only my problems. I was 41 weeks and 3 days when I gave birth to our baby girl. On our 2nd last check up, hubby kept asking the doctor to induce me as I was 5 days overdue and the doctor refused to do so to avoid complication and bleeding. Two days before I gave birth, I had bleeding and called the hospital. They asked me how much blood I had, I described to them it was like a first day period and I had no contraction. They told me that my body was preparing for labor and advised me to stay at home since I had no contraction.

The next morning, I went to see my recovering doctor (My usual doctor was away for a week), I told him my problem and he assured me that everything was fine (water, placenta, heartbeat were fine) and therefore I was scheduled to be induced the next morning unless the labor start early. At 3.30 am, my contraction began with 10 minutes apart, we called the hospital and they asked me to rush there. When we arrived, the midwife put me into CTG monitor and she had a hard time to find baby's heartbeat. She called another midwife and heart beat was still nowhere to be found. I asked them whether this is normal as they mentioned earlier it could be the machine itself playing up and I never had slightest thought in my mind that my baby already died inside my womb as we went to hospital feeling happy and relief that finally I came into normal labor, the midwife then said it's not normal but sometimes babies change their position. Half an hour later, the doctor came and they put me into ultrasound machine, then few minutes later, he said "I'm sorry, your baby has passed away". I feel like my heart was being ripped out and sounds like a joke, very cruel joke! I was crying hysterically and kept apologising to my husband. Hubby kept saying it's not my fault but the guilt is unbearable up until today. I was the one who carried our baby for the past 9 months, I should have been extra careful. Million and zillions questions in my head on why this happened to us without any signs or warning. We were feeling angry than ever, only if that fucking doctor induced me few days earlier and listened to our concerns, then the baby would have been fine and healthy, instead we are now losing our little angel and the usual doctor wasn't even there during the delivery! Fuck! Our world crashed since then, everything turned upside down.

I was induced couple hours later. At 7.22pm on 2nd October 2012, I gave birth to beautiful baby girl, Gabrielle. She's perfect like other normal newborn babies, only without heartbeat. During delivery, I still hope for one more miracle that I could hear Gabrielle's cry, instead the room filled with silent and emptiness, the world was at the loneliest place at that time.

A wise friend of mine once told me a birth of child is something very special like no other. During pregnancy, I asked myself or hubby questions many times whether I can be a great mom or whether the baby will like hubby more than me or any doubts as first time mom can be but I figured it would become real once I held our own baby in my arms. My wise friend is always right. There's nothing feeling more joy than holding our baby and laid eyes on her for the first time. An eternal love I could never imagine I have for my baby daughter. There will always be a mother instinct and bond between us. Only if I could see Gabrielle to open her eyes and hear her crying hysterically, that would have been even more perfect.

I am amazed with my husband's support as he also have to deal with his own grief but he pulled everything together up until today for me, for us. He kept saying after delivery that he was very proud of me. I honestly can't get through without his very loving support as well as my brave mother who gave me such a strength before delivery. Despite of the sorrow and sadness that we've been through over the past weeks, Hubby always tells me that Gabrielle is God's chosen one as she was born on Guardian Angel's day, exactly a week before my birthday and her soul will be back again soon, I do believe that. Gabrielle will always be our first child, she's never be a replacement for the next baby and I will always grieve for her forever.  I always believe that we can raise a healthy baby, even though I imagine my next pregnancy would be more paranoid but I know I can do it. We have a big faith on us, on our little family. We hope God will send us a baby brother or sister for Gabrielle soon to complete our family fairy tale. Our thoughts for getting pregnant soon and raising a healthy baby will give us hope and reason to smile again. 

(Image Courtesy of the amazing midwife "Kate" from St Vincent Private Hospital, Melbourne)

The pictures in my head for the past 9 months, bringing home a baby to a brand new nursery room seems to be only just in my imagination for now. Everything was prepared for Gabrielle, this awful nightmare is not supposed to happen, we supposed to bring her home. We supposed to feel so much joy having her presence around the house. We are not supposed to leave the hospital empty handed without a baby. It's the worst feeling ever as a parent. Funeral then being arranged on the day after my birthday and said our last goodbye to our baby daughter with only very close friends and family attended. It was the hardest thing we've ever done in our entire life. When parents lost a child, they lost their future, time stop, it is for now until pain doesnt' feel as raw anymore. I read an eulogy for our baby girl. I imagined I would break down many times, but I stood and read there and pull myself together until the end. I owe it to our little girl to tell a story about her precious little life. I kissed her coffin many times and let her know that we love her very much, much more than words can say.

We are coping better each days, we take one day at a time. We have good days and bad days. The pain and guilt will always be here. The journey through grief will take shorter or longer process. Only time will heal. We would never got through this nightmare without loving supportive people around us,  that's all we ever need it. My sister, Christine who came all the way from London to be here with me during funeral and always beside me when I need the most support up until today. Her presence means the world to us. My mom and My mother in law who's been my saviour and gave me strength. Also our close friends who's always checking up on us every now and then to make sure we are okay. We also would like to thank people for showing their sympathy for us but some words are very hard to digest like "you are still young, you can have another baby" or "she's in better place now". I know they were trying to show their support but some words are actually very heartbreaking to hear, especially they are not in our shoes and they can never imagine how shatter we feel. So, pardon for my sensitivity at the moment. 

We are now still waiting for mild autopsy result to come back. Even though we don't really expect much from the result, but it'll be great to know the cause why our Gabrielle is gone and also a pre caution for my next pregnancy. I may never understand and comprehend why God took our baby girl so soon before us but I hope one day, I will. Life is such a mystery, never take anything for granted and always appreciate what we have before it becomes what we had.